CHAPTER TWELVE

The Thief of Tarts

"What kind of trial are we going to?" Alice asked, quite out of breath as she ran beside the Gryphon.

But the creature only answered, "Come on," and ran faster. There was that order again, noted Alice, and it was all she could do to keep going the same speed as he.

The King and Queen of Hearts were already seated on their royal thrones when Alice and the Gryphon entered, running into the courtroom, trying to calm their breathing. A huge crowd had gathered around them—all kinds of birds and animals, as well as the whole pack of cards.

The Knave, who was in chains, stood in front of the King and Queen, with a soldier on each side to make sure he wouldn't escape. The White Rabbit was near the King and he had a trumpet in one hand, and a rolled-up piece of paper in the other.

There was a table that stood in the middle of the court with a dish of tarts, or small round fruit pies. They looked delicious and wonderful. Alice wanted to eat them suddenly.

"I wish they'd hurry up and finish the trial," Alice thought, thinking about how hungry she was, "and start giving everyone food and drinks." But she knew there was no chance of this, so she began looking about her to take her mind off how hungry she was.

Alice had never been inside a courtroom before, but she knew about them from the schoolbooks she had read. "That must be the judge," she said to herself, "because he's wearing that enormous wig on top of his head."

The judge was actually the King. Unfortunately the King didn't look very handsome with the wig, and he didn't look very comfortable, either. He still wore the crown over the wig.

"And that must be the jury box, or where the jury sits," thought Alice, "and I suppose those twelve creatures are the jury." Alice thought it best to say creatures, because some of the jury were animals and some were birds. All of them were busy writing notes on pieces of flat rocks.

"Why are they doing that?" Alice asked the Gryphon. "Nothing's happened for them to write down anything yet."

"They're writing down their names," the Gryphon whispered, "in case they forget them when the trial begins."

"How stupid," Alice said loudly.

"Silence in the court!" cried the White Rabbit. This caused the King to put on his glasses and try to see who was talking.

From where she sat, Alice could see that all the jurors were writing down "How stupid" on their rocks. One of them didn't even know how to spell "stupid" and had to ask for help from his neighbor. "A fine mess his rock will be, before the trial's finished," thought Alice.

Bill the Lizard, who earlier Alice had kicked in the Rabbit's chimney, had a pencil that squeaked when he wrote on his rock. The noise bothered Alice's nerves so much that she finally went behind him and took the pencil out of his hand when he wasn't looking. He didn't seem to notice and kept on writing with his finger. Unfortunately, this didn't leave any marks on his rock.

"Messenger, read the charges," commanded the King.

The White Rabbit blew the trumpet and unrolled the piece of paper. He then read:

"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, all on a summer day. The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, and took them clean away."

"Make your decision, jury," the King loudly instructed.

"Wait a minute, please," the Rabbit interrupted. "We have a lot of things to do before the jury makes a decision."

"Then call the first witness to the stand," said the King, and the White Rabbit blew three more blasts on the trumpet and loudly called, "First Witness!"

The first witness was the Mad Hatter. He had a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other when he walked in. "I do beg your pardon, Your Majesty," he began, "for carrying my tea with me, but I hadn't finished them yet when you sent for me."

"Why haven't you finished?" asked the King. "When did you begin your tea?"

The Hatter took a quick look at the March Hare. The March Hare had followed him into the courtroom with the Dormouse on his arm. "Fourteenth of March, I think it was," the Hatter said.

"Fifteenth," corrected the March Hare.

"Sixteenth," cried the Dormouse.

"Better write that, down," the King instructed the jury.

Happily the jury wrote down the dates, added them up as if doing math exercises, and put the answer into shillings and pence.

"Take off your hat," the King said to the Hatter.

"But it isn't mine," the Hatter replied.

"It is stolen then!" the King shouted. He turned to look at the jury, who instantly wrote down that the Hatter's hat was a stolen one.

"I keep hats because I sell hats," the Hatter explained. "I don't have any hats of my own. I'm a hatter, after all."

"Let's hear what evidence you have to say," the King said, "and don't get nervous. If you do, I'll have your head cut off right here."

This made the hatter worse than before. He kept shifting from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen. Then, because he was so confused, he bit a large piece of his teacup instead of his bread-and-butter.

Just then Alice realized that she was getting larger and larger. "Oh, dear," she said to herself, "perhaps I should leave." But then she decided to stay and watch the rest of the trial, for as long as there was room for her.

"For goodness sake! Move over! You're squeezing me to death," cried the Dormouse sitting next to her. "I can hardly breathe."

"It's not that I want to squeeze you—I can't help it!" Alice said, somewhat embarrassed. "I'm growing again."

"This isn't the time or place for you to grow," said the Dormouse.

"Don't say such ridiculous things," Alice spoke up. "You know you're growing all the time, too."

"Yes, but I do so at a normal speed," said the Dormouse, "not in the ridiculous way you are now." He angrily got up and walked over to the other side of the court.

During this the Queen had been looking very strongly at the Hatter. When the Dormouse crossed to the other side of the court, she suddenly said, "Bring me the list of singers in the last concert."

This caused the unhappy Hatter to shake so badly that his shoes came off.

"Tell me your evidence," the King repeated angrily, "or I'll have your head cut off, even if you're too nervous to speak."

"Please, Your Majesty, I'm only a poor man," the Hatter began shakily, "and I hadn't even begun my tea—and you know that bread and butter are hard to find—and the twinkling of the tea—"

"The twinkling of what?" asked the King.

"It began with the tea," the Hatter replied.

"Of course 'twinkling' begins with a T!" said the King sharply. "Do you think I'm a fool?"

"Most things began to twinkle after that," the Hatter continued, "only the March Hare said—"

"I certainly did not," the March Hare cried out behind him.

"He says he did not," said the King.

The Hatter started worriedly looking around to see if the Dormouse would also say he was wrong, but the little fellow didn't say anything because he was completely asleep.

"After that," continued the Hatter, "I made some more bread and butter."

"But did the Dormouse say anything?" asked one of the jurors.

"I can't remember clearly," said the Hatter.

"You had better remember," said the King, "or I'm going to have your head cut off."

"Please, I'm a poor man, your Majesty," began the Hatter. He dropped his teacup and bread and butter and bent down on one knee.

"And also a very poor speaker," said the King. "If this is all you can remember about the matter, you may get down from the stand."

"But I can't get any more down or lower," said the Hatter. "I'm already on the floor, as it is."

"Then go ahead and sit down," the King replied.

"Can't I finish my tea?" asked the Hatter. He looked at the Queen for help, but she was reading the list of singers.

"Just leave immediately!" shouted the King. The Hatter rushed out of the courtroom without even putting his shoes back on.

"Bring me the next witness," said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess' cook. Alice knew who it was even before she entered because people near the door suddenly began sneezing from the can of pepper she was carrying with her.

"Tell the court your evidence," the King commanded.

"I certainly will not," replied the cook.

The King looked uneasily at the White Rabbit. The Rabbit could only whisper back, "Your Majesty has to make this witness say something to the court."

"What are these tarts made of?" asked the King. He spoke in a deep voice to try to frighten the cook.

"Pepper, mostly," said the cook.

"Treacle," replied a soft, sleepy voice behind her.

"Cut off that Dormouse's head!" yelled the Queen.

"Run him out of this court! Off with his whiskers!"

During the next few minutes the whole court was running about trying to get rid of the Dormouse. When they had finally settled down again, they noticed that the cook had disappeared as well.

"No matter," said the King. He was actually quite glad not to have to question the cook. "Call the next witness." Quietly, under his breath, he told the Queen, "Please, my dear, try to get me a witness that will answer questions. This whole thing has given me a very big headache."

Alice saw the White Rabbit look over the list. She was curious to know who the next witness was going to be. "I guess they haven't got enough evidence yet," she thought.

How surprised she was when the White Rabbit read, at the top of his high voice, the name "Alice!"

(end of section)